When You Have Loved Like I Have

Just a few years ago, I fell in love with her. It may have been a bad decision to fall in love with her, but I did anyways. Tomorrow marks the day that started one of my favorite points of my life, and her being in it made it so great. I fell in love with her smile, her laugh, her hugs, her kisses, and her stories. She had it all. She was beautiful, smart, fun to be around...you name it, she was it. She was the first girl I have ever fallen in love with, and I loved every minute of it. I have never been one to be all lovey dovey, but with her, I made it happen. She was everything I could ask for. Not only was she the one I loved, she was my best friend. I could tell her anything, and I did. I was never one to open up to anyone. I was always a laid back secretive guy that no one knew about...until she came into the picture. She knew everything about me, and I had no problem with that. She was exactly what I needed. With her, my life was as best as it has ever been. I was the happiest I have ever been. There wasnt a day where I wasnt smiling. I would be smiling because of her smile. She knew just how to make my day go far bad to great, and with little to no effort what so ever. The sound of her voice was what I needed whenever life was getting me down. She would say hello, and my heart would go crazy, and when she told me that she loved me, it would jump out of my chest. I have never wanted to spend every hour of every day with one person until I fell in love with her. She was my one. She was the one that I would grow old with. She was the one that I would marry. She as the one that would be the mother of my children. I was seriously in love with her.

Then the sadness. We were forced apart. I had my heart taken away from me and exchanged for nothing. Nights and days went by where it felt like there wasn't a beat in there. I knew from there what was going to happen, and I prepared myself for it. I prepared for the worse, and when the worse had happened, I couldn't handle it. Its been over a year since the worse had happened, and I still cant handle it.

When a guy looks into a girls eyes as she is looking back into his, and he is the first to say I love you, he really means it. If a guy beats a girl to the punch, he earned it. In my case, it was simultaneous. I love you came at the same time between us. There was no need for a second thought. 

During the sadness, I was watching from above my life take a downward spiral. Everyone has told me that there is no other way but up, but every time I hear that, life goes farther down. Every time life looks like it will make a turn around, it doesn't. Since the sadness started, I have never been able to get back to myself.

The worse part about this is, I just saw her every day this week. She was beautiful. Nothing has changed about her since the day I fell in love with her. When you have loved like I have, you lose your mind when she walks through the doors. You feel like breaking down when she looks at you. You just want to leave and stay away from people for days when she says hello. Then when you actually talk to her, and she still wants to be your best friend, it rips your heart out.

She told me today that saying hi every now and again wont hurt me, but she doesn't know that it will. It kills me inside every time something about her pops up on Facebook. Every time someone talks about her, I get the need to just run away and stay away from people. Whenever I see her, it feels like my heart gets ripped out.

I fell in love with her, and I never fell out of love with her. Everyone has one person for them, and I still believe that she is mine. She has done things to me that no one else has been able to do. I have never felt the need to sit at home alone day in and day out for as long as I have. Ive been living in shadows for the past year and a half waiting, waiting for the right time to tell her this. The right time is approaching and approaching quick. Telling her this wont make a difference, but she has to hear it. Its not like once she hears this from me, the sadness will stop, but it has to be said.

So when you have loved like I have, you have been in love. You can legitimately say you are, or have been in love. If you experience the worse when you have loved like I have, the worse is yet to come. Finally, when you have loved like I have, nothing will stand in your way to turn the word "loved" to a present tense form.

Just an Update

Let me throw an update your way if you actually read this blog. If you have seen the last blog, you know that I need a win. Ive been looking around for work and I have been shut down worse than the Lions in 2008. I havent looked everywhere, but once you look at a bunch of places and get no phone calls, you tend to lose confidence. Me being the guy that never quits, I put more applications in and am still awaiting a phone call. I applied at a few places last week, and nothing so far. I just applied for a few more place today. Hopefully this cold streak is snapped and I get a win.

Maybe I will, maybe I wont. Fingers crossed.

I Need A Win

    I need a win people. I am getting desperate for a win. I havent even been to overtime in the year of 2011. The closest to a win Ive been this year is that I got a few job applications flying around town. Well to be honest, I only have 2 out of the many Ive turned in that actually have a chance at being something. There is Home Depot. A good friend from church works there, and has all of my information that he needs, and he said he will see what he can do. Its been a week and there hasnt been anything. Then there is Gamestop. My dream job. I am an addict video gamer and I am working on writing a few story lines for some video games, and being on how its been longer than a week since Ive turned in the application, its looking like Im not getting that job either. They hired a new girl and today was her first day. So there goes that option.
    The main reason Im looking for work is because I was a full time college student and I took out a student loan because the old college I went to ruined me financially. Halfway through my first semester, I needed help and my mom and I decided that it would be best to take out a $1,750 loan to help me for the year. Well, I ended up needed all of it. It was used to pay for my classes, put gas in the car to get me to and from class, and the necessary supplies I needed. After the semester was over, I registered for spring classes, and I couldnt attend due to car troubles and lack of funding. My grant still wasnt coming in, so I couldnt take spring or summer classes. I got a letter in the mail saying that I needed to pay back a $1,750 loan in payments of $50 a week.  I do work a little here and there, but its not enough to take care of the loan. I am the definition of part time. I work whenever my brother and his boss need me, and its only for a few hours a month.
    If you want to add on to the problems, my good friend Red pasted away two days ago. My old softball coach. One of my few really good friends. I dont have many of those due to a video game addiction and the vulgar form of comedy I provide when in big groups of people.
    Why not throw one more at you. I met this girl 3 years ago at a vacation bible school I was doing, and I started to like her. We fell out of connection for a good 2 years, and I finally ran into her at Walmart one night. I started to like her again after finding her on Facebook and getting her phone number. Well I wake up two days ago to find out that she played me like a hand of cards. She led me on and ended up dropping out and going to some other guy.
    Its been over five months since Ive had a win, and its looking like its going to be a longer wait. Every time it starts to look like my life is about to do a 180, it does a 360. I cant get out of this cold streak Im in. I fell to the bottom of a deep hole, and every time I grab an edge and pull myself up, something gets thrown into the hole and pushes me down farther. I need a win people. I need a win just as bad as Charlie Sheen.

You're My Boy Blue!

Life is too short man. Yesterday (May 3) was a rough day. I got off of work today to hear some horrible news. My good friend and my old softball coach Red Julian, who has been in the hospital battling for his life, was taken off the machines that were keeping him alive, and he pasted away a half hour after. One of my good friends and the man responsible for my career in softball is now gone. Me being a man of faith know he is in heaven watching down on me and the rest of us, but he is still gone from planet earth. He will always be in my heart and I will always think about the classic nickname we gave him. Our good friend Red was nicknamed Blue. Every time he did something awesome (which happened a lot) we yelled out, "You're my boy Blue." Red battled cancer and came out on top. After he won his battle with cancer, he wasnt feeling so great, but we all knew he would make it through. Even when he wasnt feeling so great, he went to a Prom Night for couples at church and him and is amazing wife Sandy won Prom King and Queen. His wife is a big part responsible for my life with Christ. If it wasnt for her, I would be a broken down blind man with no direction. My good friend Red will be greatly missed by me and my family. My brother, who also played for Red's softball team, will be wearing the initials RJ on his sleeve, and I will be wearing them on my arms, shoes, and under my eyes. We both will be holding him deeply in our hearts and wont ever forget the love and grace he has given to us and everyone he has had a relationship with. Saturday will be marked as an emotional night for the two of us and knowing this going in, We will be doing what we can to help our team make it to the next round of the playoffs.

Red, I know you are looking down now, and I know you know what I am typing here, so let me close with this. Fighting back tears as Im typing. You're my boy Blue. I love you and miss you already. I cant wait til I make it to heaven and play for the team up there. Save me a spot on the bench and save me a spot on the field. Your initials will be on my sleeve during every game, and you will always be in my heart. Again, I love and miss you. You're my boy Blue.

That Turn Around...Not So Much

    Is it May 2nd yet? That's the only thing keeping me going right now. On May 2nd, a new chapter will open. But that's not why Im blogging.
    Im blogging because I need to vent. Its been a rough weekend. I had to work Saturday. I wasnt mad about working, I was made about the fact that I didnt sleep the night before. I stayed up all night long and went to work a 6 in the morning. I didnt chose to stay up all night. It just happened. I havent been able to sleep these last 2 weeks. After working all day, I came home to have to finish working on my kitchen.
    Sunday morning came around and it was midnight. I was planning on going to Easter Sunrise Service at 7 in the morning, and I decided that it would be easier to stay awake than to wake up. After the service, I came home to cook breakfast. I ended up burning my arm. Bacon grease shot on my arm. Nice looking blisters on my arms. Then I went to service at 9:30. Great service.
    I came home after the 9:30 service and had to clean the house before I had more family come down for Easter dinner. I finished cleaning around 2, and decided to take a nap. That lasted 30 minutes.
    Since Friday, Ive picked up on 30 minutes of sleep. Ive been running on fumes. I honestly have no idea how Im sitting here blogging this right now, but it will continue.
    So fast forward to about 8 at night. I ran to Walmart to get a card to turn my phone on. I use StraightTalk. Good phone service. But back to point. My phone has been shut off for a few months and I just let it die. Well, my brother took my charger and used it to get a number out of my phone. Well guess what. I paid to turn my phone on, and now I cant use it because I cant find my damn phone charger.
    Its almost 3 in the morning and I still havent picked up on any sleep. I have to be up early in the morning to go job hunting. Not going to lie. Its not going to go well. I turned my phone on just for the job hunt, and with no charger, I cant receive phone calls from the places I apply.
    Turn around my ass.

The Little Things Pay Off

    Do the litte things and they will pay off. Im telling you this from personal experience. The little things you can do will pay off big.
    I was engaged to a sweet beautiful girl named Allison, and she loved the little things. She was a waitress at Beef-O-Brady's and I was a skater. She got up around noon and left for work every day, and I was up til 4 or 5 AM, then I went out skating around 8. I always made sure she had fresh coffee when she woke up. (Coffee pot was on a timer. Gotta love those things.) I left note for her to see when she woke up and got ready for work. I made her breakfast on the mornings she was awake when I got out of bed. I made her french toast from scratch. I did the little things to make a relationship work.
    My favorite little thing was the time we were laying on the couch and she looked up at me and told me that she wanted to watch a movie. TV was boring that night. Always is. So I told her that I would grab 3 or 4 movies and let her pick from them. Well, I grabbed the wrong movies. So I went back to the other room to get a few more movies, and I decided to go with another option. I picked up the entire movie shelf and I carried to her to pick the movie she wanted to watch.
    Its the little things that will get you far in life and in relationships. So many little things will add up to be a big deal. Good or bad, the little things will add up to be big. Dont be afraid to do the little things. They might be to do the laundry, make dinner, wash dishes after dinner, vacuum the living room, make the bed, give a massage, leave little cute notes for him/her, or even a kiss on the cheek at random moments, Do the little things. They matter big. You may not think that, but they do.

A Turn Around?

    Is my life really on a turn around? I mean, after the last few years Ive had, it needs to turn around. I think that this past week, its starting to. I dont want to sound so mushy and what not, but I believe I have met the dream girl.
    Actually, I met her about 3 years ago. Im not saying names, and Im not getting into details about her. Ian, I know you will end up reading this and start bugging me about who she is. Well guess what. Not telling you. This will be kept to myself.
    Now Im not blogging about this just to brag, show off, or whatever anyone might think Im doing. Im blogging about this to help a little. I hate talking about stuff that goes on, and I hate it when people listen to me. This is more of a therapy for me. Im not big on talking about myself, unless Im man dating with Ian, so this blog is more of a help me out of my comfort zone.
    Glad to be sharing this and Im glad that you all that read this, all 3 of you that actually see this. Now if you will excuse me, Conan is on. I must enjoy.