When You Have Loved Like I Have

Just a few years ago, I fell in love with her. It may have been a bad decision to fall in love with her, but I did anyways. Tomorrow marks the day that started one of my favorite points of my life, and her being in it made it so great. I fell in love with her smile, her laugh, her hugs, her kisses, and her stories. She had it all. She was beautiful, smart, fun to be around...you name it, she was it. She was the first girl I have ever fallen in love with, and I loved every minute of it. I have never been one to be all lovey dovey, but with her, I made it happen. She was everything I could ask for. Not only was she the one I loved, she was my best friend. I could tell her anything, and I did. I was never one to open up to anyone. I was always a laid back secretive guy that no one knew about...until she came into the picture. She knew everything about me, and I had no problem with that. She was exactly what I needed. With her, my life was as best as it has ever been. I was the happiest I have ever been. There wasnt a day where I wasnt smiling. I would be smiling because of her smile. She knew just how to make my day go far bad to great, and with little to no effort what so ever. The sound of her voice was what I needed whenever life was getting me down. She would say hello, and my heart would go crazy, and when she told me that she loved me, it would jump out of my chest. I have never wanted to spend every hour of every day with one person until I fell in love with her. She was my one. She was the one that I would grow old with. She was the one that I would marry. She as the one that would be the mother of my children. I was seriously in love with her.

Then the sadness. We were forced apart. I had my heart taken away from me and exchanged for nothing. Nights and days went by where it felt like there wasn't a beat in there. I knew from there what was going to happen, and I prepared myself for it. I prepared for the worse, and when the worse had happened, I couldn't handle it. Its been over a year since the worse had happened, and I still cant handle it.

When a guy looks into a girls eyes as she is looking back into his, and he is the first to say I love you, he really means it. If a guy beats a girl to the punch, he earned it. In my case, it was simultaneous. I love you came at the same time between us. There was no need for a second thought. 

During the sadness, I was watching from above my life take a downward spiral. Everyone has told me that there is no other way but up, but every time I hear that, life goes farther down. Every time life looks like it will make a turn around, it doesn't. Since the sadness started, I have never been able to get back to myself.

The worse part about this is, I just saw her every day this week. She was beautiful. Nothing has changed about her since the day I fell in love with her. When you have loved like I have, you lose your mind when she walks through the doors. You feel like breaking down when she looks at you. You just want to leave and stay away from people for days when she says hello. Then when you actually talk to her, and she still wants to be your best friend, it rips your heart out.

She told me today that saying hi every now and again wont hurt me, but she doesn't know that it will. It kills me inside every time something about her pops up on Facebook. Every time someone talks about her, I get the need to just run away and stay away from people. Whenever I see her, it feels like my heart gets ripped out.

I fell in love with her, and I never fell out of love with her. Everyone has one person for them, and I still believe that she is mine. She has done things to me that no one else has been able to do. I have never felt the need to sit at home alone day in and day out for as long as I have. Ive been living in shadows for the past year and a half waiting, waiting for the right time to tell her this. The right time is approaching and approaching quick. Telling her this wont make a difference, but she has to hear it. Its not like once she hears this from me, the sadness will stop, but it has to be said.

So when you have loved like I have, you have been in love. You can legitimately say you are, or have been in love. If you experience the worse when you have loved like I have, the worse is yet to come. Finally, when you have loved like I have, nothing will stand in your way to turn the word "loved" to a present tense form.

Just an Update

Let me throw an update your way if you actually read this blog. If you have seen the last blog, you know that I need a win. Ive been looking around for work and I have been shut down worse than the Lions in 2008. I havent looked everywhere, but once you look at a bunch of places and get no phone calls, you tend to lose confidence. Me being the guy that never quits, I put more applications in and am still awaiting a phone call. I applied at a few places last week, and nothing so far. I just applied for a few more place today. Hopefully this cold streak is snapped and I get a win.

Maybe I will, maybe I wont. Fingers crossed.

I Need A Win

    I need a win people. I am getting desperate for a win. I havent even been to overtime in the year of 2011. The closest to a win Ive been this year is that I got a few job applications flying around town. Well to be honest, I only have 2 out of the many Ive turned in that actually have a chance at being something. There is Home Depot. A good friend from church works there, and has all of my information that he needs, and he said he will see what he can do. Its been a week and there hasnt been anything. Then there is Gamestop. My dream job. I am an addict video gamer and I am working on writing a few story lines for some video games, and being on how its been longer than a week since Ive turned in the application, its looking like Im not getting that job either. They hired a new girl and today was her first day. So there goes that option.
    The main reason Im looking for work is because I was a full time college student and I took out a student loan because the old college I went to ruined me financially. Halfway through my first semester, I needed help and my mom and I decided that it would be best to take out a $1,750 loan to help me for the year. Well, I ended up needed all of it. It was used to pay for my classes, put gas in the car to get me to and from class, and the necessary supplies I needed. After the semester was over, I registered for spring classes, and I couldnt attend due to car troubles and lack of funding. My grant still wasnt coming in, so I couldnt take spring or summer classes. I got a letter in the mail saying that I needed to pay back a $1,750 loan in payments of $50 a week.  I do work a little here and there, but its not enough to take care of the loan. I am the definition of part time. I work whenever my brother and his boss need me, and its only for a few hours a month.
    If you want to add on to the problems, my good friend Red pasted away two days ago. My old softball coach. One of my few really good friends. I dont have many of those due to a video game addiction and the vulgar form of comedy I provide when in big groups of people.
    Why not throw one more at you. I met this girl 3 years ago at a vacation bible school I was doing, and I started to like her. We fell out of connection for a good 2 years, and I finally ran into her at Walmart one night. I started to like her again after finding her on Facebook and getting her phone number. Well I wake up two days ago to find out that she played me like a hand of cards. She led me on and ended up dropping out and going to some other guy.
    Its been over five months since Ive had a win, and its looking like its going to be a longer wait. Every time it starts to look like my life is about to do a 180, it does a 360. I cant get out of this cold streak Im in. I fell to the bottom of a deep hole, and every time I grab an edge and pull myself up, something gets thrown into the hole and pushes me down farther. I need a win people. I need a win just as bad as Charlie Sheen.

You're My Boy Blue!

Life is too short man. Yesterday (May 3) was a rough day. I got off of work today to hear some horrible news. My good friend and my old softball coach Red Julian, who has been in the hospital battling for his life, was taken off the machines that were keeping him alive, and he pasted away a half hour after. One of my good friends and the man responsible for my career in softball is now gone. Me being a man of faith know he is in heaven watching down on me and the rest of us, but he is still gone from planet earth. He will always be in my heart and I will always think about the classic nickname we gave him. Our good friend Red was nicknamed Blue. Every time he did something awesome (which happened a lot) we yelled out, "You're my boy Blue." Red battled cancer and came out on top. After he won his battle with cancer, he wasnt feeling so great, but we all knew he would make it through. Even when he wasnt feeling so great, he went to a Prom Night for couples at church and him and is amazing wife Sandy won Prom King and Queen. His wife is a big part responsible for my life with Christ. If it wasnt for her, I would be a broken down blind man with no direction. My good friend Red will be greatly missed by me and my family. My brother, who also played for Red's softball team, will be wearing the initials RJ on his sleeve, and I will be wearing them on my arms, shoes, and under my eyes. We both will be holding him deeply in our hearts and wont ever forget the love and grace he has given to us and everyone he has had a relationship with. Saturday will be marked as an emotional night for the two of us and knowing this going in, We will be doing what we can to help our team make it to the next round of the playoffs.

Red, I know you are looking down now, and I know you know what I am typing here, so let me close with this. Fighting back tears as Im typing. You're my boy Blue. I love you and miss you already. I cant wait til I make it to heaven and play for the team up there. Save me a spot on the bench and save me a spot on the field. Your initials will be on my sleeve during every game, and you will always be in my heart. Again, I love and miss you. You're my boy Blue.

That Turn Around...Not So Much

    Is it May 2nd yet? That's the only thing keeping me going right now. On May 2nd, a new chapter will open. But that's not why Im blogging.
    Im blogging because I need to vent. Its been a rough weekend. I had to work Saturday. I wasnt mad about working, I was made about the fact that I didnt sleep the night before. I stayed up all night long and went to work a 6 in the morning. I didnt chose to stay up all night. It just happened. I havent been able to sleep these last 2 weeks. After working all day, I came home to have to finish working on my kitchen.
    Sunday morning came around and it was midnight. I was planning on going to Easter Sunrise Service at 7 in the morning, and I decided that it would be easier to stay awake than to wake up. After the service, I came home to cook breakfast. I ended up burning my arm. Bacon grease shot on my arm. Nice looking blisters on my arms. Then I went to service at 9:30. Great service.
    I came home after the 9:30 service and had to clean the house before I had more family come down for Easter dinner. I finished cleaning around 2, and decided to take a nap. That lasted 30 minutes.
    Since Friday, Ive picked up on 30 minutes of sleep. Ive been running on fumes. I honestly have no idea how Im sitting here blogging this right now, but it will continue.
    So fast forward to about 8 at night. I ran to Walmart to get a card to turn my phone on. I use StraightTalk. Good phone service. But back to point. My phone has been shut off for a few months and I just let it die. Well, my brother took my charger and used it to get a number out of my phone. Well guess what. I paid to turn my phone on, and now I cant use it because I cant find my damn phone charger.
    Its almost 3 in the morning and I still havent picked up on any sleep. I have to be up early in the morning to go job hunting. Not going to lie. Its not going to go well. I turned my phone on just for the job hunt, and with no charger, I cant receive phone calls from the places I apply.
    Turn around my ass.

The Little Things Pay Off

    Do the litte things and they will pay off. Im telling you this from personal experience. The little things you can do will pay off big.
    I was engaged to a sweet beautiful girl named Allison, and she loved the little things. She was a waitress at Beef-O-Brady's and I was a skater. She got up around noon and left for work every day, and I was up til 4 or 5 AM, then I went out skating around 8. I always made sure she had fresh coffee when she woke up. (Coffee pot was on a timer. Gotta love those things.) I left note for her to see when she woke up and got ready for work. I made her breakfast on the mornings she was awake when I got out of bed. I made her french toast from scratch. I did the little things to make a relationship work.
    My favorite little thing was the time we were laying on the couch and she looked up at me and told me that she wanted to watch a movie. TV was boring that night. Always is. So I told her that I would grab 3 or 4 movies and let her pick from them. Well, I grabbed the wrong movies. So I went back to the other room to get a few more movies, and I decided to go with another option. I picked up the entire movie shelf and I carried to her to pick the movie she wanted to watch.
    Its the little things that will get you far in life and in relationships. So many little things will add up to be a big deal. Good or bad, the little things will add up to be big. Dont be afraid to do the little things. They might be to do the laundry, make dinner, wash dishes after dinner, vacuum the living room, make the bed, give a massage, leave little cute notes for him/her, or even a kiss on the cheek at random moments, Do the little things. They matter big. You may not think that, but they do.

A Turn Around?

    Is my life really on a turn around? I mean, after the last few years Ive had, it needs to turn around. I think that this past week, its starting to. I dont want to sound so mushy and what not, but I believe I have met the dream girl.
    Actually, I met her about 3 years ago. Im not saying names, and Im not getting into details about her. Ian, I know you will end up reading this and start bugging me about who she is. Well guess what. Not telling you. This will be kept to myself.
    Now Im not blogging about this just to brag, show off, or whatever anyone might think Im doing. Im blogging about this to help a little. I hate talking about stuff that goes on, and I hate it when people listen to me. This is more of a therapy for me. Im not big on talking about myself, unless Im man dating with Ian, so this blog is more of a help me out of my comfort zone.
    Glad to be sharing this and Im glad that you all that read this, all 3 of you that actually see this. Now if you will excuse me, Conan is on. I must enjoy.

Have You Ever?

    Im going to share a few situations Im in or have been in. Ive been in a handful of sticky situations, and Ive somehow gotten out of them alive or minor injuries.
    Have you ever almost died drinking? I have. I was at a little party with Kyle, Mollie, and a local band Asleep by Dawn, and I had a few beers. I ended up wandering out by Mollie's pool and I sat down with my feet in the water. After a few minutes of sitting there, I decided to lay down. I fell asleep. Kyle woke me up frantically. My head was hanging off the edge of the pool inches away from being in the water. Talk about a sticky situation.
    Have you ever been in love with a married girl? Or a girl you know you will never have, or have again? I dated this girl in high school and we legitimately fell in love. We broke up shortly after and stayed good friends. The thing is, we have been friends for 4+ years and Im still kicking myself for letting her go for so long. I woke up one morning to find out that the girl I fell in love with was getting married.
   I have a few more of these stories to share but I dont want to fill up a whole blog post.

My Life Story - Part 8 (The Final Part)

As I was about to start classes at Edison, I was in a giant pickle. I couldnt get my books because of SCF. They messed up on my transcript which forced a hold on my grant money. I was able to start classes but I didnt have books to use to do my class work. So at the start of the classes, I was already behind and aggravated. It took two weeks to get my transcript, have it processes at Edison, and get my holds lifted so I can get my books. So after being behind 2 weeks of school work, I was screwed. For those who havent been to college or are planning to go, Dont get behind in ANY of the work. It is near impossible to catch up. I was able to do it in one of my three classes. After getting through half the semester, I decided to drop a class. I dropped my creative writing class, the one class I was enjoying. I couldnt catch up on the work, and it was that or fail completely. I kept my psychology and my English class. My psychology class was way ahead of me and I tried my ass off to catch up, but I couldnt. I ended up failing that class, and my reading class, I caught up on the work but I ended up failing my final by 6%. Talk about my luck. I shook it off and was ready for the winter break and the spring semester. I took my month long winter break and was ready to start my second semester. On the first day, my car broke down, and my grant money didnt got through. So I was forced to drop my spring classes and wait for the summer semester. To go back to the previous semester, I took out a loan to help on the who financial aid problems. It wasnt that big of a loan so I knew it wouldnt come back to bite me in the ass. But you can only guess what happened. Around March, they sent me a letter in the mail telling me that my loan has to be paid back. I was screwed again. The little things in life have come back to get me. $1,750 in a loan that I have to pay back. Its middle of April now and my payments start in July. Talk about stressful. I cant find work because this economy is terrible. The job I have now it anything lower than part time. I work maybe 4 days a month and get paid 8 bucks an hour. I never work more than 3 hours a day. There are even times I got 5-6 weeks without working. So this job cant help me in anyway. And for me, the ultimate nail in the coffin of a rough life is that since the beginning of this whole downward spiral I call my life, Ive had only 2 really good friends. Ive had Ian and Tim. Tim has left to go serve our country in the Navy. He actually left Monday. Then there is Ian. We are still best friends, but his job and his girlfriend take up most of his time, so hanging out with him comes maybe 3 times a month. Still talk almost every night. So most of the time Im left here alone with my thoughts. The exact place a man doesnt want to be for too long. Im there from the time I wake up, to the time I fall asleep every day of every week.

The messed up part of this whole story is; if I could go back and change what would happen, I wouldnt. Everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason and it has made me the man that I am today. My mom's cancer turned me closer to God. My torn ACL opened my eyes and let me know that I needed to go out and have a real career. And my college failures have told me that I will get knocked on my ass all the time, and I just need to get right back up and go until it happens again.

So my terrible life from 2005 up to today sucked, but it was a huge help in making me who I am today.

And this marks the end for my life story. Now on to other blogs. Like sports, music, video games, the comedy side of my life, the good time, maybe more bad times as they come, and my walk with Christ.

My Life Story - Part 7

As I was getting ready to start college during the summer, life was starting to look great. I was playing full seasons in a church softball league, I was playing with my best friend Ian, and Ian was starting to date the girl he fell in love with on the spot at our first game of the season. As soon as he saw her, his jaw dropped so fast, there was a hole halfway to China. It took 4 of us to pick his jaw up. Life was good. I was in college. First day of summer courses started off with a bang. Not a good bang, but a bang. I was set up for grant to pay for my classes, and when I got to the campus, I went to the book store to go get my books. Sounds like a very easy task right? Well it wasnt. Financial Aid has messed up my whole payment. I didnt receive my grant and I couldnt pay for my books or classes. After a long back and forth with the bookstore cashier, I noticed three things. One, I had to go talk to the financial aid office and figure out what was wrong. Two, I have a huge anger problem. After the back and forth with the cashier, I told her to go F*$k herself. And Three, State College Of Florida was the start of my college problems. The financial aid office told me that they would hold my classes until I got my grant money.  They said a week and they only held them for two days. So a week later, I went to class to find out that they dropped me from the class, and me showing up made me resign up for the class, and I would have had to pay for the class the second time. After I heard that news, it was bad news bears for the financial aid office. I sat in the chair across the desk and I was pissed. The lady printed out a paper that says she held my classes on May 11th of 2010...for two days. Some hold right? Sounds like she is reliable. As I was telling her that she lied and messed up on her hold, she kept denying it. My face was turning red and I was looking like I was going to choke her. I was about to. I was ready. But I held off. I didnt jump the desk and kill someone who needed to be fired. So I decided to give up on that college. I just stopped going. I didnt want to deal with their constant B.S. I went to Edison State College to try again at a new and closer college. I went from a college in Venice Florida, to a college in Punta Gorda Forida. I lived 20 minutes from Edison and 45 from SCF. I went into Edison and I got the registration forms and I was set to start classes in August. Until SCF struck again. I needed my official transcript, and SCF was the place to go. It was 7 bucks to get it and I paid it and made the drive to get it. After they gave it to me, I took it to Edison. Edison called me a few days later telling me that I needed a new transcript because my classes were incomplete. I got my transcript the day the grades went in the books officially, and they never updated my transcript. So I had to go back and make the 45 minute drive again to pay 7 more bucks for a piece of paper. I was set to start classes in 3 days, and it took the transcript 5 days to process and mail to me. You can do the math. Something was wrong there and I wasnt excited for it. I looked like it was gonna be a long school year.

My Life Story - Part 6

After I got home from my dad's house in New Jersey, I stopped talking to him. I wrote him out of my life, because he is a complete total douche bag. I decided that I would be better off without him. So I got home and I went to hang out with one of my team skaters Kyle. Kyle was dating this very attractive girl Mollie. Mollie had a very attractive friend Saraa flying down from Louisiana, and I was going to be the guy that kept her busy while Kyle and Mollie had their time alone. What we all didnt know was that Saraa and I would end up talking and end up making out for countless hours in Mollie's bed. I ended up sleeping over Mollie's house and Saraa and I slept together. We didnt do it or anything. Just laid there and fell asleep. The next day we all went to the beach. After going to the beach I went home, showered, and headed back over to Mollie's. I felt a connection with Saraa and I wanted to see her as much as I could before she left for home. So I stayed over Mollie's another night, and we slept together. We woke up the next morning and she was ready to go home. While Saraa was at home in Louisiana, I was home in Florida, and we talked a lot on Myspace until we decided to exchange phone numbers. After a few nights of phone calls, we decided to make a huge mistake. We decided to do a long distance relationship. I kept faithful on my end, while she lied and cheated on her end. I was crushed. Devastated. We lasted a little over a year before she cheated on me. It was a long year. Full of fighting and other typical relationship drama. The day after our 1 year mark, she broke up with me. About a month later was when she told me she cheated on me. Big mistake on my end. Big mistake. After our relationship ended, I started talking to one of my best friends from church. Her name was Kaitlyn. After a few days of talking, we were in a complicated relationship. We were dating but without the title. We kept it on the down low because her mom hated me and that made her dad hate me. We ended up "dating" for 9 months, and her parents forced us to break up. Her parents forced the break up because they didnt trust or believe in me. I told them I was going to go to college and get a degree in religion and become a minister. Something I was actually wanting to do for years before. So after they split us up, I enrolled in college at State College of Florida. I was ready to start college, but I wasnt ready for the curveballs and roadblocks that were on the road ahead of me.

My Life Story - Part 5

While my mom was recovering from her surgery, I was attempting to graduate high school. I took 2 years off to stay at home and help my family get through a rough patch. So finally I got enrolled in a second chance school for students who have fell behind in their work or have children. I obviously didnt have a child at the moment so that only means that I was behind in my work. About 2 years behind. I was enjoying myself. I made a bunch of new friends and was getting good grades. I started after the New Year so I can start at the beginning of a semester instead of jumping into the middle of one, and I lasted only a month and a half. I was always one of those kids who got it the first time. My freshman year, I learned all the stuff that was taught in high school and after that, it just got very boring. So after about a month and a half of solid boredom, I took off. I didnt drop out, but I just stopped going. After a month, they kicked me out. I got kicked out of a second chance school. Look at me go.March rolled around and baseball season was coming up, and I am a hardcore die-heart Philadelphia Phillies fan, and I wasnt going to miss another season. I stayed home during the 2007 season and missed out on a magical comeback to win the division and I was really bummed. My dad told their shortstop Jimmy Rollins, who knew me on a personal level, that I wasnt able to make it for the 07 season due to my mom being sick. So he took off his batting gloves and tossed them up to my dad to send to me. Gotta love the Philly Love. With the gloves in my hands, I was making it for Opening Day 2008. After some talks with my dad, I was set to fly up and see the greatest baseball team ever play. I landed and I was pumped. I had my camera, skateboard, and the gloves. I was ready for New Jersey and Philadelphia. After being in town for only a week, I managed to catch a day that it was dry. No rain for the first time since I landed. It was March 27th, 2008 and I was going out to skate and work on my video part for my skate team. With nothing holding me back from a double level parking lot gap, and a final shot for my part, I went after it. After about 20 attempts, I started to feel a little stiff in the right knee. Me being the tough crazy jackass I am, I shook it off and went back up for another go at it. I live to regret that decision. I ollied over the curb and I was on my way to sticking the landing. I lost the feel for the landing and I kicked out. I wish I didnt. I landed on my feet, but my right leg was in for a shock. My knee femur and my tibia have shifted, collided, and crushed my ACL ligament into a handful of pieces. I stood up on what I thought was a broken leg and hobbled over to a spot to comfortably sit down and take a breather. I was about a mile away from my dad's house and I wasnt going to a hospital in an ambulance, but my cousin Zack decided differently. He ran inside the high school and called 911. When he came back to tell me he called the ambulance, I got up and walked away from the gap. Now, for those who dont believe me, I swear on my life that this happened. I swear on my life that I almost broke my leg, tore my ACL, and bruised my femur and tibia, then got up and walked away. The ambulance drove on past me on my way home and I ducked into the local pizza parlor to sit and rest. My knee was throbbing. I wasnt going to give up. I got up and made my way out the door and down the street to my cousin's house first to grab my stuff that I had left there. Then I left his house and hobbled on home. When I finally made it home, I sat down and placed a very hot heating pad on my knee, then followed it with some ice. I was in serious pain. I didnt want to move. I knew at that point that my career as over. 10 years of skating and I go down like that. I was depressed. My dad got home from work and I told him what had happened. We set up an MRI and I went in. It took a good week before the doctor gave me the news that made my heart drop. I destroyed my knee. Surgery for me was coming and I knee it was. So I just sat back and waited. Still went to the ball field and watched Phillies baseball, but that was it for about a month. I was only suppose to be in New Jersey for two week. Then two weeks turned into 4 months. I started to get depressed just sitting around waiting for the surgery that my dad never set up for me, so I made a few phone calls and then before I knew it, I was going home. Home to see my mom and grandparents. Home to get my faith in God back, Home to get the hell away from my dad. While I was stuck in New Jersey waiting for surgery, the broken relationship that we fixed, was broken. He turned into a money hungry jackass who only cared for himself. When I checked into the front desk at the airport in Philadelphia and said my goodbyes, that was the last I would speak to him in over a year and a half.

My Life Story - Part 4

My mom's health started to go down south. She was losing so much weight, her hair was falling out, and she was losing all of her energy. It was so bad at one point that she was placed in a hospital for a little over a week. While the relationship with Amber was falling off, I started talking to a girl I met at church. A few months ago I had a run in with her, and we ended up disliking each other, but something about this night just clicked. She was upset. Tears ran down her face and I felt like I needed to comfort her. So I did. Then when I got home I had a message on Myspace from her. She was shocked that I was comforting her. Everyone was. After a few hours of talking to each other, we started dating. We dated for about 3 months and we werent afraid to let people know it. Two people who hated each other started to fall in "love". Love was an overrated word with us. We threw it around like it was a football at a pick-up game. We ended up sleeping together and we had a huge pregnancy situation. I got a phone call one night and she told me that she was late. She was late and went in to a doctor later that week and had the ultrasound. I got to see my possible son or daughter. I was excited. Me. A kid with his life completely wrecked was having a child. Little Michael or Amanda. I couldnt wait...Until I got to church a week later. She pulled me aside and told me that there was no more Michael or Amanda. She went and "took care" of it. I was devastated.  I know I was too young to fall in love and have a child, but I really wanted one. My mom's health got better for the time being. We turned her bedroom into a look-a-like of a hospital room and she was on bed rest. She was so drained of her strength and energy, we had her in diapers. My mom was 37 at this time and in a battle for her life. She at one point of her sickness was back in the hospital and it felt like she wasnt ever coming home. My mom being the strong faithful woman she is battled through. She came home and her strength was increasing. She was able to carry on a somewhat normal life. My mother, who was starting to look like cancer was winning, was able to look death in the eye and telling him that it wasnt her time, and with her surgery date near, she was winning. She was about to rid of the cancer completely. While my mom's health was getting so much better, my relationship was getting worse. The whole pregnancy situation has done a number on our relationship and we broke up in October. I was devastated. I was falling for this girl and right as it was getting serious, she backed out for someone else. I spent multiple days just sitting around my house and not talking to anyone because I didnt want to deal with people. On top of it all, my brother, who was serving our country, was able to get a medical discharge. He was home. My brother, who has been a best friend to me for my whole life, has come home to take the stress off and help take care of mom. November came and my mom's surgery date was here. I couldnt go up to be there for the surgery because I had work to do at church. My mom was completely understanding about it and I couldnt wait to see her when she got home. As I was getting ready to go to the church to work for a drug awareness program, I was worried out of my mind like every 16 year old kid would be, I stumbled across a Bible verse. Philippians 4:6. A Bible verse that I found out would change my life and be my center piece of life. God has hit me with his best shot. Philippians 4:6 says; "Dont worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Ask God for what you need, and thank him for everything you have." God has opened my eyes. All my worries were suddenly gone. I knew that my mom was in the greatest care in the world. I knew that she would be fine and one day would lead a healthy happy life. I got home later that night amd I received great news. My mom's surgery was a success. But she needed a colostomy bag. She carried around a bag on her for 6 months. Cancer wasnt winning, but it wasnt going down without a fight.

My Life Story - Part 3

After the great news about being sponsored, and MTV contract, and my moms health being fairly good for living with cancer for 2 and a half months, I made a huge life changing decision. I was going to church later that night and It was going to be a magical night for me and one other friend. I took to church that night with 3 big surprises on my agenda and Allison was going to be on the end of them. When I arrived at church that night, I found the love of my life. Allison was sitting in one of the lobby chairs by herself writing and I walked up behind her and kissed her cheek and hugged her and told her the news. I told her first that I was being sponsored by a clothing company in So-Cal and she was very happy. Then I told her that MTV contacted me and I was going to be under contract with them for about 4-6 months and making very good money and she blew up with joy. Then I reached into my pocket and pulled out a ring and asked her to marry me. She was speechless. After she said yes, she ran to her best friend and they did what girls do. They talked about it and her best friend was so happy for her that she hunted me down and hugged the daylights out of me. Finally, I was living life. Engaged to be married and my dreams were coming true. Or so I thought. We were living together going from her house to my house and always going out to do romantic couples things. I was working by day with my skate team and she was a waitress at Beef-O-Brady's. At night we were the perfect couple. Laying on the couch watching movies, cuddling up in bed and falling asleep together. I would wake up in the morning and make her breakfast and coffee then take out to the streets for work with the skate team. Allison took a week long trip to Daytona Beach for a church trip and I stayed home to work and when she got home, we ran into trouble. She was falling out of love with me and my life was going from great to the bottom of the pile again. She called off the engagement in no less than a month and she had left town to go to college. I was left at home alone with 2 sisters, a skate team, Amber was still a good friend and continued to hang out, and a mother who's cancer was beginning to get the best of her. Life was getting bad for me and was only going to get worse from there.

My Life Story - Part 2

To continue on with my last blog, life was turning on me for the worse. February 2006 hit and we lost our house. We were forced to live in with a friend or ours from church. We were only there for about 3 weeks then we found an apartment. While living with our friends Amber and Linda, I made a connection with Amber. Amber was 14 and I was 15 at the time. We spent most of our days hanging out in her living room, back yard by the fire, or walking around her neighborhood. After about a week of talking and getting to know each other, we started to get a little serious. We started getting a little romantically involved with each other. I cant describe what happened, but I can say we didn't sleep together at this point in the story. We started sneaking some physicality around behind our parents and friends backs just for the thrill. 3 weeks have went by and it was time for us to move into our own apartment. We moved in around the beginning of March and I was about to turn 16 years old and start living life more as a father figure instead of a brother and son. I ended up forgetting about Amber and started falling in love with a girl named Allison. We started talking and hanging out a lot and I thought we were getting serious until Valentines Day. We had a romantic dinner and a movie at Allison's house and we played a romantic board game. After that night Allison started to write me out of her life and forget about me. While falling in love by night, by day I started a skate team call Eikon. We were just taking off and things were looking great for us. I forgot about Allison and started hanging out with Amber until my 16th birthday. My 16th birthday I woke up and ended up throwing my own surprise party with Amber, Adirenne, Mickey, and Allison. I was falling back in love with Allison. While she was over my house all the time during the day, Amber was over my house by night and we started getting more involved with each other. Around spring break we were on the couch in the living room watching really boring TV when we started talking, and talking led to other things, and those other things led to a locked door. We spent most of our nights together behind a locked door and I was always thinking that I fell in love with the girl of my dreams, but me being me, I was afraid to make it official. We were continuing our physical relationship and staying very good friends at night, and during the day we were just regular friends like nothing was ever happening. While Amber and myself were being involved with each other, April rolled around. During April is when my life took to biggest turn for the worse. My mom had a doctor's appointment and she came home with the worse news ever. Cancer. My mom at 36 years old was diagnosed with cancer. This hit us like a ton of bricks. My mom was working for a tile company and going through cancer treatments. I was a stay at home dad helping my sisters get up for school and eat. My relationship with Amber was turning from romantically involved to a stress reliever. It got so bad that it was even while everyone was still awake. It started to become more public than is should have. After a few months of the stress during the day, mom working through therapy, and vigorous sex by night, it became very hard for the family to get through.  We ended up leaving the apartment and moving in with my grandparents. I didnt want to live with them because I knew that once we lived there, the physicality with Amber would stop completely. After we moved into my grandparent's house, My relationship with Allison was growing stronger and my relationship with Amber was growing weaker. Around June I was working with my skate team when I got a message on my team's Myspace page. MTV messaged me wanting my team to work with them for a short term contract. On top of that, a very successful clothing line in So-Cal messaged me an hour later telling us that they wanted to sponsor us. We had our foot in the door. Life was taking off for my career, but my home life was still depressing. My mom was still in good condition and I was falling in love more and more with Allison. The following day after getting sponsored, I went to the beach with Adrienne, Amber, and Allison, and we were having a romantic moment, and suddenly I started to see what I wanted...

My Life Story - Part 1

Believe it or not, but back in 2005 I was just like them in that picture above. Now Im the complete opposite. In 6 years, I went from the top of the world, to the bottom of the pile. Back in 2005 I was 15 years old. I managed a low end skate team that I started with my best friend Ian.  My mom just married the man she had been living with for over 14 years. The broken relationship between my dad and myself was on track to being fixed, and my old brother was leaving to achieve his dream and serve our country. Life was great until about January of 2006. In January 2006, I was in New Jersey, the state I was born and raised in, and I received a phone call that I did not ever want to hear. My mom called me crying telling me that her husband was leaving her for his 21 year old secretary. My flight was scheduled to take me home 4 days after the phone call and I was willing to book out of New Jersey and head home to Florida to be with my mom and 2 younger sisters. My mom insisted that I stay and take my scheduled flight home instead of changing it. She wanted time to work it out before I got home, because she knew I would take her husband out back and he would never be seen again. So after taking my flight home, I arrive to a mother and 2 sisters in tears, a giant build up of rage that came out of nowhere, the sudden responsibility of having to raise both my sisters who were still in elementary school and take care of my heart broken depressed mother. I was only 15 at the time and I was in no way shape or form ready to step up to the plate and become a man. I was still a sophomore in high school. I was still growing up and learning how to live on my own and raise a family of my own. So I had to completely put my life on hold in order to take care of my family. My mom at one point thought suicide was a way out. I had to talk her out of it. There was no way I was letting her go and leaving my 2 sisters to live with their deadbeat father. I had to cook dinner almost every night. I cooked mostly breakfast and easy foods, but I cooked for my mother and sisters. I dropped out of high school to be with my family. To make sure they got up in the morning for school, to make sure they had breakfast, lunch, and dinner, to make sure they had something clean to wear to school everyday, and to make sure they knew that everything was going to be alright. sounds like a tough life for a 15 year old right? Well guess what. I only got worse from there.